


The Ones Who Are Here

by jesm



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Coda, Eddie's allergic to expressing emotions, Episode: s03e16 The One That Got Away (9-1-1 TV), M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:01:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesm/pseuds/jesm
Summary: After Red’s death, Eddie tries to support and comfort Buck, he’s just not very good at it.Coda to The One That Got Away - I appreciated the relationship between Buck and Maddie, but that episode was seriously missing Buck and Eddie time.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	The Ones Who Are Here

It’s Chim who texts Eddie to tell him Red died. Maddie’s with Buck, the text also says, so Eddie puts his phone back in his pocket and goes back to loading the dishwasher, trying to ignore the urge buzzing under his skin, the desire to grab his car keys and speed over to Buck’s. He just got Chris down, so Eddie can’t just rush off. Besides, Maddie’s there and she’s Buck’s real family.

There’s not much to load. They’d had takeout since Eddie hadn’t had the energy to cook or to listen to Chris mumble about the quality of his cooking. Chris is too sweet a kid to outright whine about it, but he had taken to grumbling, and Eddie had to admit himself that he’d much rather eat something prepared ahead by Carla or his Abuela or, best of all, have Buck over to cook with them. 

It had become almost routine, Buck following him home after their shift. They’d stop at the grocery store together to pick up whatever Buck needed in order to try out a new technique or a recipe Bobby had taught him. Eddie’s kitchen was slowing acquiring more pans and spices than Eddie would ever know what to do with. Chris would sit at the table working on homework and sometimes Eddie would sit with him to help. But other times—more often than not really—Eddie would hover around the kitchen island, helping with the easy things or just getting in Buck’s way and basking in the coziness of it all. But Buck had been caught up in the thing with Red and hadn’t been over after shift in a while. It would have been selfish to expect him to still cook for Eddie and Chris with all that going on. Still, Eddie misses him.

Eddie’s fingers twitch on the last dish and it drops into the dishwasher with a sharp clang that makes Eddie wince then freeze, listening for any stirrings from Chris’ room, but everything stays quiet. Eddie searches the kitchen for another chore to keep himself busy and settles on gathering the barely used dishtowels for the laundry.

Despite seeing him almost daily at work, missing Buck had become a restlessness rooted under Eddie’s skin. He could see Buck had been thrown by Red, in a way Eddie didn’t really understand, and Buck had drawn deep into his own head, which Eddie did understand and could relate to intimately. He could see that Buck was feeling lonely and isolated, and Eddie wanted to assure him that wasn’t the case, to convince him that he’d never end up like Red as far as Eddie had any say in it. But the reality was, Eddie didn't know how to say any of that. Buck was the expressive one in their relationship, from the very beginning. 

Eddie wanders the house for more things to toss into the laundry, checking his phone as he does. There are no new texts from Chimney, which is perfectly reasonable, really, but Eddie finds it frustrating. He starts a dozen different texts to Buck, abandoning each attempt before he sends it. The problem is, Eddie doesn’t know how to return that same support now that Buck needs it. Buck is the expert at grand gestures, not Eddie.

Once Eddie’s scoured the whole house, except Chris’ room, and the washing machine is full enough Eddie can run it without a guilty conscious, he sets it to delayed start then leans his hip against it, fiddling with his phone again, starting and deleting a few more texts to Buck. Eventually, because it’s getting later and Eddie knows he has to say something, he hits send. 

_Heard about Red. Let me know if you need anything._

Eddie reads it back to himself and makes a face at his phone. It seems inadequate, not close to what he really wants Buck to know, but he’s never been good at this. Buck texts back almost immediately.

_Thanks. I’m ok. Maddie just left._

A pause then, _Kiss Chris goodnight for me._

Something about that sends a jolt through Eddie and he’s pressed the call button before he even realizes what he’s doing. There’s a panicked half second that he thinks about hanging up, but he’s pretty sure Buck is sitting with his own phone in his hand and will obviously see the call.

“He’s asleep.” Eddie says when Buck picks up, which is a ridiculous way to start a phone call and there’s an awkward silence on the other end.

“Oh, I didn’t realize it was past his bedtime.” Buck says eventually. 

“It’s not,” Eddie reassures him, “we did bedtime early; it’s been a weird week.” Because Buck’s absence hadn’t just left Eddie restless, it had affected Chris too, and the early bedtime had been best for both of them. Suddenly, it occurs to Eddie that this situation he’s gotten them in might be dangerous. Buck isn’t theirs to keep, but Eddie’s let them both grow so accustomed to him in their lives. When Buck finds that thing, that _person_ , he’s searching for and leaves, it’ll break Chris’ heart. Eddie let’s his mind skip over the fact that it will break his own heart too.

“Um, what…you called for, uh…” Buck’s voice interrupts Eddie’s thoughts and he wonders how long he’d let the silence stretch. 

“I—I just wanted to check in.”

“Okay”

“You’re okay?”

Buck’s quiet for several seconds. “Yeah, I’m okay.” But Eddie can hear a little tension in his voice.

“You and Red were close.”

“I didn’t even know him that long.”

“But you connected. He—”

“No, I mean, we just…I’m fine.” 

“It’s important.” 

“It’s not.” 

Eddie’s not sure where this conversation has ended up, doesn’t know if they’re both still talking about Red’s death or not, but there’s tension building in Eddie’s chest along with it building in Buck’s voice.

“I’ll—we’ll come over. Crash at your place.” It’s out of his mouth before he can stop himself and he bangs his forehead against the frame of the closet.

There’s a beat and then Buck says slowly, carefully, “Eddie. I’m fine. Chris is already asleep.”

“Right. That was…” _Come over_ is on the tip of his tongue but he catches himself this time before he can say it. “You’re sure you’re okay?” 

Buck actually chuckles. It’s still tight but some of the tension has eased out of his voice at Eddie making a fool of himself. “I’m good. Thanks for checking in.” 

“Sure. Of course.” 

There’s more on the tip of Eddie’s tongue that he doesn’t say. That Buck doesn’t have to be on his own, sad and stuck in his head, that he has a family, if he wants it. There are reasons he doesn’t, reasons he’s been telling himself over and over for a while. Right now, with Eddie tired and Buck grieving and lonely, these reasons seem further away, so Eddie _almost_ says it.

“‘Night Eddie.” Buck says.

“‘Night.” Eddie echoes and hears the click as Buck hangs up.

Eddie shoves the phone back in his pocket, frustrated with himself. But he’s still restless, so he takes it out again almost immediately, considering texting Buck again, except he can’t figure out what to type that will make that call any less absurd. 

He heads into his room, still fiddling with the phone, opening and dismissing apps aimlessly, just hoping something will catch his attention. He drops his phone on his bed to change into pajamas then picks it up again, sitting on top of the covers and leaning back against the wall. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep.

 _Come over, ok?_ He hits send quickly before he can talk himself out of it again. 

_You’re friend died. You can crash on the couch here._

There’s a panicky part of him that hopes Buck’s already gone to bed, but he knows its unlikely. Buck texts back.

_You sure? I don’t want to disturb you. Chris is asleep already._

_Yeah. come over._

Eddie’s already made the offer, so now he’s committed, and he wants to see Buck, wants to offer whatever comfort he can. There’s no immediate answer from Buck so Eddie adds, _If you want?_

_Yeah. Thanks. On my way in 10._

It’s surprisingly calming, knowing Buck’s on his way, even if Eddie has no idea what they will do when Buck get’s there, except that he wants to make sure Buck feels like he belongs. Eddie sets out pillows and blankets near the couch for Buck, double checks there’s cold beers in the fridge and decides to microwave popcorn too. 

Buck texts him when he’s pulling up outside so Eddie’s opening the door as he walks up. He pulls him into a tight hug as soon as he’s within arms’ reach. Buck returns the hug. Eddie can feel the tension in his shoulders and back, but it relaxes as they stand there, arms around each other. Eddie holds the hug too long, way past the point where its awkward but that’s okay with Eddie, whatever makes Buck feel better. 

Eventually, Buck pulls away and Eddie steps aside to let him in. He catches Buck glance at the beer and popcorn waiting on coffee table.

“What? It’s not passed _my_ bedtime.” Eddie says, feeling a little defensive. Buck chuckles and takes a seat and a handful of popcorn. “Game or TV?” 

Buck shrugs. “It’s your house.” 

Eddie shakes his head, but doesn’t argue that it’s partly Buck’s too, at least as far as Eddie’s concerned. All Eddie wants to do tonight is whatever will make Buck feel less alone, because he doesn’t seem to understand that it’s really his call, that Eddie and Chris are his family for as long as Buck wants. 

Buck had taken his usual spot in one corner of the couch and Eddie habitually takes the other corner, but without Chris between them the space feels exaggerated. Eddie shifts slightly towards the middle under the guise of grabbing his beer and reaching for the remote. He turns on Netflix and the Weird Nature documentary they’d last been watching. 

Buck is unusually quiet and it makes Eddie restless again, like he should be doing more but he’s at a loss for ideas. He settles for shifting closer again, only partially so he can reach the bowl of popcorn Buck’s claimed and hopping that if he leaves the silence open Buck will eventually fill it. Turns out he knows Buck pretty well.

“Do you think…”Buck starts then shakes his head. “I don’t know why I’m so upset when I only knew him for a little while. I know it’s stupid but…Anyway, thanks for you know—” Buck waves his hand to take in the TV, popcorn and beer. 

Eddie scoffs. “It’s not stupid. It’s never stupid to grieve for someone. And you were a good friend to him, in the end.”

“Was I?” Buck’s voice is sharp, almost angry. He shakes his head again, like he’s trying to convince himself. “Maddie said that too.” 

“So maybe you should listen. Or do you think we’re both wrong?”

“Really though?” Buck toys with the beer, twisting it around in his hands. “I mean, I just crashed into his life uninvited. And I ruined his memories of the girl he loved, just because I had to go too far. Like always. So maybe I—”

“You don’t go too far.” Eddie snaps and there’s a white hot flash of anger in his voice. Buck blinks at him, mouth caught slightly open, hands stilling on his beer. 

How can Eddie explain that Buck goes one hundred percent in on everything, but it’s still never too much? Not when he’s rappelling down the side of a burning building to save someone. Not when he’s crashing into Eddie’s own life to help him be the kind of father he wants to be, from the very beginning when he introduced them to Carla to engineering a way for Chris to skateboard. He fought through a fucking tsunami for Eddie’s kid. It’s never too much. 

Eddie knows he should say that out loud, that and more, but it makes him feel vulnerable and he’s never been good at being vulnerable. Its one of the things he envies and admires most about Buck, the way he so easily opens himself to others, the very thing about himself that he’s doubting now. Eddie knows he should say it, but that’s not him, he’s never been that brave. So instead they just stare at each other, until the silence becomes awkward, even with the TV on in the background.

“Um, so,” Buck eventually looks away and takes an uncertain sip of his beer. “Anyway…” Eddie can practically see him fishing around for a change in topic and he feels like an ass. He should have just let Buck talk things out, even to beat himself up.

“Chris has been asking if you’ll make that lemon pasta thing again.” Eddie says. It’s a change of topic at least, even if it’s one that has him selfishly asking for something from Buck, like he’s entitled to anything more than he’s already been given. But Buck beams, like it’s some sort of gift. 

It breaks Eddie’s heart a little, how eager Buck is to give more of himself. It makes Eddie feel guilty and with it, a little braver. Not brave enough to say all the things he could say, but brave enough to say some of the things he should say.

“You don’t go too far.” Eddie says again. The smile disappears from Bucks face, replaced by a wary guardedness that Eddie’s never seen there before. He hurries on before he losses his nerve and ends up making it worse. “You go all in and yeah, sometimes it’s a lot, and sometimes it doesn’t work out.” Eddie tries to smile and wonders how encouraging it is with the knot of tension in his gut; it doesn’t change the expression on Buck’s face. 

“But Red forgave you and you made it up to him, more than made it up to him. You gave him something to hold on to. Something real.” Buck’s eyes are growing wider and wider as Eddie stumbles on. “The job was everything to him and you showed him that it mattered. That he didn’t just have memories of some lost love. That he had friends still, even though they’d lost touch. That he had you as a friend.”

Eddie swallows. Buck’s staring at him, his body turned towards Eddie’s on the couch and leaning slightly in, open and vulnerable. “And trust me, Buck, from personal experience, having you as a friend’s pretty great.” 

Eddie has to stop and take a deep breath, because that feels like too much, like a heavy weight on his chest. He tries to laugh it off, but his chuckle comes out a little high. “I mean, Chris and I would basically live off pizza and cereal if it weren’t for you.” 

Buck smiles and leans back, but he’s still staring at Eddie and the air between them is charged with too much emotion. 

“Dad?” Chris’ voice is slurred and hazy with sleep and they both turn towards it. When he notices Buck, Chris wakes up a little more. “Buck!” 

“Hey Buddy,” Buck says.

Chris climbs into the space between them and everything else that was there evaporates. Still sleepy, he leans into Eddie and tucks his toes under Buck’s thigh.

“What are you doing up, Superman?” Eddie asks and gets a tired, unintelligible mumble in response.

Then, “elephants,” which is what’s playing on the forgotten nature show, but Chris doesn’t settle in to watch anymore, just turns his head into Eddie’s side.

“How ‘bout I take you back to bed?” Eddie feels more than hears Chris’ no. He looks up at Buck, ready to apologize for the interruption, but the fond expression on Buck’s face stops him. Maybe this is more what Buck needs, this simple moment with the people who love him. So Eddie doesn’t say anything else and they watch the documentary, drinking beer and eating popcorn, and making plans and a grocery list for dinner after their next shift.

Later, after they’re both yawning, after they’ve tucked Chris back into his own bed, after they’ve brushed their teeth and made up the couch, and they’re cleaning up in the kitchen, moving around each other in a practiced, familiar way, Buck stops him with a light touch on his arm.

“Thanks. I think I needed this.” He sounds uncertain and scared in a way Eddie can’t put his finger on.

Eddie pulls him into a hug. “Anytime,” he says into Buck’s shoulder and he hopes Buck understands how much he means it. They hold the hug too long again, until Buck pulls away with a yawn and a goofy half smile. Their shoulders brush as they walk back into the living room.

Eddie pauses on the way to his own room. “Actually—you know you’re stuck with us, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Buck grins. “Obviously, because Chris would starve without me.” 

Eddie rolls his eyes, trying to pretend to be insulted. Buck laughs outright and Eddie feels lighter than he has all night, since he first got Chim’s text. 

“‘Night, Buck.” Eddie says.

Buck beams. “‘Night, Eddie.”

**Author's Note:**

> I actually started this ages ago and it was going to go in a different direction, because in my head cannon, Eddie’s 100% in love with Buck, but every time I suggested he say something about it, he insisted he’s not ready. Eventually, maybe, he’ll figure out how to say it (there's a lot of time before season 4). Or Buck will get annoyed and deal with things himself.


End file.
